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Obviously I'm still a whale but hey its better than 150 I have not posted in awhile because I suck but I have managed to lose ten pounds. I am so pissed though because I could have done better but I got high last night and ate waaay to much. I did however do yoga for 30 min on wii fit and I went to the gym, biked for 30 min and ran for 20. I plan on doing the same today but I'm gonna run for 30 min and bike for 30 min and I will do a strength training/yoga mix on the wii. WARNING: from this point on I may list food I would normally white it out but in using my blackberry and the shit is just way too complicated at the moment so again WARNING: there may be triggering stuff. Ok but anyway I'm pretty annoyed with myself right now. I recently cut out all meat except sea food obviously part of my decision was BC of the weightloss and also health reasons. Eventually I want to be a vegetarian but I'm still getiing used to dropping everything else. I have not consumed any turkey,beef,chicken or anything like that since January. But it is annoying the shit out of me because I have made some healthy food changes but its fucking me over BC I can maintain my weight but its soooo much harder for me to lose weight. Most ppl can cut back in food stop eating shit, and work out a little and the pounds fall off. Me I have to starve and bust my ass to lose one fucking pound and if I have one slip up all my work is fucked aaarrgghh its sooo annoying and BC I used to be a fat ass and weighed 200 pds I mean were Im at right now isn't much better. I'm still a lard ass but when I chat with my friends about it there like its hard for u too lose BC u don't need to lose more weight ur at a good body weight for ur height and that's bullshit!!!!! I'm fucking 5'4 I mean my proportions do help me out a little I have DD tits (ya I know there huge) but BC of them my waist looks a lot smaller than what it is but its bikini season nd there will be no way to hide the flab in a bikini no matter how big my tits are. my friend wanted lunch and asked me to come with her so I went and guess where she decided to eat..... Fuckin mcdonalds I swear I hate that place its of the devil and cu king disgusiting so I order a small dry and she is like blah blah blah u never eat, r u okay, what kinda lunch is that and its sooo annoying to listen to her tell me to eat more as I look at her 119 lbs 5'7 skinny ass!!!!! She. Is one of those naturally skinny ppl with a freaky metabolism that cries about not being able to gain weigght ugh!!! So ithank god my no meat helped because I was like I'm not eating a fish sandwich from mcdonalds so we settled on a med fry. And when did my food choice become a group decision idk but that also pisses me off so I have ate 2/3 of the fries and then I look at the Cal on the side 380!!!!! Wtf instantly done with. Those fries so I have to burn 380 off from those ducking fries and my tummy is grumbling WTF I'm def gonna eat a small salad for dinner and bust my ass at the gym ugh
 
 
 
 
 
 
I soooo need to postin my journal more! I have found awesome communities though so thats what I have been posting on recently. :)
 
 
 
 
 
 
God first off I would like to say  I hate my FUCKIN apartment. They say you get free wifi but they fail to mention the bitch has one router for like 300 apts so the internet is super shitty and super slow!!! GOOOOD I cant stand cheap ass people always trying to get one over on you!!! But anyways off of that. So I have not been on here in awhile because Im basically dying!!!!! I have the flu and bronchitis which sucks because I 'm bed ridden for a week no school or work which sucks cause I 'm gonna be soo behind in my classes I hate college god! Its soooo much work :( but the good thing is I am unable to eat like anything!!  YAY FLU AND BRONCHITIS haha I have been scared as fuck to weigh myself but after my sickness I think Im gonna hop on the scale and view the damage. I'm pretty excited though I bought this bad ass scale that tells your weight, body fat, and muscle mass so thats pretty awesome :) Well thats it for now
 
 
 
 
 
 
So today begins the day that I get my life back together. Ha that almost made me laugh. Today is the day I'm deciding to delve back into my eating disorder. Its sad but that really is when my life feels back in tact. I need control over SOMETHING. So I'm on it. It's 11:26 and I have consumed nothing, but then again I just woke up like 45 min ago. I have class all day today BLAH. I am going to go to the gym today when I get out of musicology. That will be legit and it needs to happens. So I think I am gonna do the whole vegetarian thing. I want to wean myself at first. The only meat I am going to permit myself to eat is fish and chicken. Then I want to ditch the chicken. I may continue to eat fish because it is really good for you. I enjoy eating it as well. I guess I'm gonna jet, wish me luck today. I am gonna find a healthy snack to eat before I go to sociology and I will not eat again till after math then I want to go to the gym again. its gonna be hard to drag myself to the gym for the second time but it NEEDS to happen that's why Im putting it in here so that I will be motivated to go because I will feel like such a failure if I report back saying I didn't go. Well wish me luck!!! 
 
 
 
 
 
 
So it's 3:35 A.M. and I am still awake!!! Ugh which is not smart AT ALL considering I have class in the morning. Bio lab is a bitch. Sooo the point of me creating this journal is because I have a lot of shit going on and I need a place to be able to get it off my chest completely ya know. I need some support.......
Well Here's my story.......
I have always had trouble with my weight. The first time I remember starting to obsess over my body was in the 6th grade. I had gained a little weight over the summer and I guess people noticed because they were not shy to mention. From that point on my weight has always been a problem. My family would make snide comments and I just went into this bout of depression. When I reached freshmen year of highschool, I began to binge eat because I was depressed. I started to gain weight rapidly by the time I graduated college I weighed a horrible 190 lbs. I was disgusting and I had completely let myself go. I will never forget it. I was on one of my binges, eating Mayfield's Birthday Cake Ice Cream and Lays potato chips, and then something in me just snapped. I was utterly repusled and instantly nauseated. I ran to the bathroom and vomitted. And from that day on I never binge ate again. I actually acquired the complete opposite habit. I started to barely eat anything at all and exercise heavily. I was doing soo well by the time my first year of college was going to begin. I had lost 15 lbs over the summer. Then I came to school and it was amazing. There is a gym that is open almost 24 hrs and I was alone. I began to obsess about what I ate even more. By the end of my freshmen year I weighed 125. I had lost a total of 65 lbs I was so proud of myself. Then I went home for the summer. My family was surprised to see all the weight I had lost. They seemed a little concerned but didn't really say anything.  Then as I continued to lose weight my parents decided my weightloss was out of hand. I weighed 115 when they decided to give me an ultimatum about my weightloss. They told me I had a problem and gave me this huge long intervention and said how if I didnt start gaining weight they would have to agree to go to recovery or they would cut off contact with me. This was family and close friends and I did not want to lose everyone. I began to try and change my ways and eat correctly. I was convinced that I was sick and needed to be healthy because that was all I was told. Once I finally let down my barrier I realized how much I loved food. I began to eat like a cow, I thought I was happy because I was eating food. Also my friends and family were happy because I was gaining weight.

But now I am back at school. I am looking at myself in the mirror and all I see is some fat, disgusting, bitch who has ABSOLUTELY NOOOO self control. and I have decided I dont want to be this person. I have decided I am better off thin. I just feel soo SLOPPY like this its horrible. Sooo the point is, I'm back at it again. I have not even dared to weigh myself yet because that is just gonna be scary and EXTREMELY depressing. I made this journal just to clear my head and also for support. I used to use lj last year and found really good active communities that gave me loads of support. I hope that I can find some communities like that again I have not been having much luck.

When I'm thin, no matter what crazy shit is going on in my life, I feel like at least one thing put together. At least I have something under control. I NEED that feeling back again.......